期末考试,小外甥考了全班第三名,老姐非常高兴,做了一大桌子好吃的。吃饭的时候,我对外甥说:虽然这次考的不错,但是不能骄傲,还要再接再厉。外甥一边啃着排骨,一边点头说:嗯,放心吧老舅,下次我再抄快一点,肯定能考第一!
妻子给远方的丈夫寄了一条被子。不久,丈夫发来电报,只有三个字:由、甲、申。妻子看不懂,就拿电报问当老师的邻居。邻居笑道:电报上讲,你丈夫盖被子,盖住脑袋就盖不住脚,盖住脚就盖不住脑袋,盖住身子,脑袋和脚都盖不住了
女朋友从小吃饭特别慢,总是菜夹到碗里,咬一口放下,换个角度咬一口,再放下,如此反复。我问她:“同样的菜,一口吃掉和换三个姿势吃掉,有哈不一样?女友白了我眼,说:“问你自己。”
昨天终于结婚了。洞房后老公问我感觉怎样,我说:“疼死了,那你呢?”老公抽了一口烟,深沉的念了一句“初极狭,才通人,复行数十步,豁然开朗”我去,还能这样黑陶渊明
晚上在老丈人家聚餐,吃过饭后,我和连襟还有老丈人一起边抽烟边闲聊,不知道怎么聊到了离婚,我说:“听说现在离婚手续比以前复杂了,难办了”。老丈人问:真的吗?以后想离婚更难了!连襟站起来笑着说:想离再复杂也不怕……忽然,我觉得背后凉飕飕的,回头一看,丈母娘,媳妇,还有小姨子齐刷刷站在后面,冷冷地盯着我们……
开车和女同事外出,她说感冒了头疼噪子疼浑身都疼,很不舒服,请我帮她买点药。于是经过药店,我去买了包感冒冲剂,回到车上递给女同事。这时老婆来电话,刚好接听,女同事在旁边说:“我现在又没水,你还买颗粒的?”
一对老人翻看年轻时的照片后感慨万千。老头就对老太婆说:明天我们像当年谈恋爱时一样,我在湖边等你吧。第二天老头买了花,傻等一天没见老太来。回家后看见老太在看电视,怒了,老太说:我妈不让我出去。
初中喜欢一男神,最近见到他比以前更帅气了,某天恰好在他家附近酒店开个房,晚上他来找我。在酒精的作用下,他突然深情款款对我说:“有句话憋了很久,我想告诉你,希望你做好心理准备。”我一听,心跳犹如小鹿乱撞。结果他的下一句是:“我是同性恋,千万不能告诉别人哦!”
当年特别迷一个牌子,所以我的全身上下都是那个牌子的衣服。后来我才知道那个牌子是仿人家国际大牌。瞬间觉得自己很低,于是我想把那个牌子的东西统统拿去去捐了。我的举动遭受了我爸的阻止,他批评我不尊重他,这些都是他辛辛苦苦赚钱买的。就在我惭愧的低下头时,我爸迅速地从那些衣服里找到了藏匿起来的私房钱……
提着老婆的高跟鞋进门,老婆问怎么没修就提回家了。我:我提到社区服务部,人家见我比见了城管还怕,几个修鞋的一见我过去就收摊了。啥?我:两个礼拜换四次鞋跟,知道的是你骑电驴辅助刹车崴断的,不知道的以为我去砸场子的!
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